Monday, March 20, 2006

Humor Me

so i'm 21 years old as of March 16th. i feel slightly older now. highschool seems like it ended a decade ago. yet i surround myself with 17- yr olds. kind of strange, perhaps inappropriate now. i mean, i enjoy their company, and we have fun, but i feel pressured to find new friends. obligated to grow up. move out. get a girlfriend. this just seems weird that i've been there, done that (minus the g/f), and returned home to the highschool crowd. maybe what i feel God has called me to is unrealistic. unreasonable. maybe i was wrong and now i'm wasting my time. i'm just hard pressed to get a life. it's just that whenever i get up to leave, i find out i've already attached my heart to something else. it sucks you in. tells you that you can't leave. not now. i wonder if this is inevitable no matter where i go. and if that's the case, i can't be afraid of it. because i'll fit in somewhere else.

i've felt for the longest time that i was called to youth ministry. now i don't know anymore. young-adult ministry doesn't really appeal to me either. maybe it's just their lack of interest that is discouraging. i just want to make my film this summer and get out of here. i feel this is unfinished. and that's frustrating.

i think i'm just in love with the idea of leaving. i don't really want to leave, i don't have anywhere to go. but i don't feel needed. appreciated. or really wanted. that is an irrational reason to leave, though. i want a different life. i like who i am inside, but nothing else. sorry none of this is really poetic, or encouraging, but i'm totally drained. i should be praying more, and reading more, and listening more. maybe i'll just end this miserable post now. just had to get that out.

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