Throw a Sheet on the Ghost

so i quit my job. yeah, the one that was keeping me from believing that time is not money. there are other reasons why i quit, but i don't wish to discuss them in this post. i have a part time job as an editor, so it's not like i had nothing to fall back on. but as i said, that is not the reason for this post. just felt like an update on my last blog entry.

i have learned a lot in the last little while. one thing bouncing around in my mind is the "desire for exclusivity". we all have it. we all want special treatment. we want what nobody else has.

we all want to go where no-one else has gone before. we want to be the first. we want the free vacation to Florida and the Bahamas. we want the penthouse suite. we want the perfect wedding. we want to know what nobody else knows.

christians even incorporate this in their lives. we want to experience God like nobody else has. we want our prayers answered on time. we want God to be on our side. we want to preach a sermon that hasn't been preached. we want to start a church like no other church. we want our ideas about God to be heard.

i admit i am guilty of all of this.

but i must acknowledge that i haven't experienced God the way others have. i haven't had all of my prayers answered. God has opposed me at times. i've preached from the same verses as others have. i've never started a church. and i'm certain that all of my ideas about God are inadequate.

i learned recently that we cannot understand God because our mind is simply too small. don't rely on our own understanding. we ask, "make a nonsensical thing make sense to me; make a mind-blowing thing fit into my mind for me; make an unbelievable thing believable for me - then i'll believe." but action is required to experience God, because your mind isn't big enough.

Proverbs says to taste and see that the Lord is good, not look and observe from a distance. stop thinking about something that cannot make sense to you. throw a sheet on the ghost and see it for yourself - hang parts of your life and your future on it.

it is far better to give than to receive
when you want love to be earned, give it for free
when you get status and can turn it into privilege, turn it into servanthood
when someone takes your tunik, give him your cloak as well
if someone makes you walk one mile, walk two
what difference does it make if you love your friends? love your enemies as well

follow these teachings and you will understand what is beyond your understanding. i know God doesn't make sense, but He exists anyway.

i quit my job because God told me to. that's why i hate talking about it.

Time Keeps Ticking

some words from the wisdom of Oswald Chambers:

"The central point of the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship with Him, not public usefulness to others. It is not the practical activities that are the strength of this Bible Training College— its entire strength lies in the fact that here you are immersed in the truths of God to soak in them before Him. You have no idea of where or how God is going to engineer your future circumstances, and no knowledge of what stress and strain is going to be placed on you either at home or abroad. And if you waste your time in overactivity, instead of being immersed in the great fundamental truths of God’s redemption, then you will snap when the stress and strain do come. But if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in Him, which may appear to be impractical, then you will remain true to Him whatever happens."

it's interesting to think that most of my stress endured on a daily basis is self-inflicted. personal time with God takes a back seat to the endless need to keep busy. i feel that if i stop and catch my breathe, i'm wasting time.

i have learned recently that time is not money. applying this to my current workplace is utterly nothing more than a ridiculous idea, since it is primarily based on commission. but i forget that the "system" is built on this idea; to keep me from God.

even devotional study isn't time with God.

i must repent.

Whore

WEDDING DRESS - Derek Webb 

if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for
and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want 

(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you 

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
that i would take a little cash over your very flesh and blood 

(chorus) 

because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife

i don't normally post song lyrics on here, i never read them on anyone else's blog, because i figure there's nothing i've never heard before (laugh). but i was recently introduced to Derek Webb and this song. it hit me so hard because it has such deep, forgotten meaning. it is written from the perspective of a shameful bride. at second glance, it bears the awful truth of an unfaithful church. watching her as she repeatedly breaks every vow. Derek calls any follower of Christ to love the church. Jesus himself said "If you love me, you will tend my flock."

it's incredibly easy to point fingers at the church, to say what it should be like, what it needs to do, and to hilight the flaws. when i condemn the church, i condemn Jesus also. God loves the church. i want to love what He loves. i want to see the bride of Christ as He sees her.

God help me

God help me to love my freakin' enemies.

Humor Me

so i'm 21 years old as of March 16th. i feel slightly older now. highschool seems like it ended a decade ago. yet i surround myself with 17- yr olds. kind of strange, perhaps inappropriate now. i mean, i enjoy their company, and we have fun, but i feel pressured to find new friends. obligated to grow up. move out. get a girlfriend. this just seems weird that i've been there, done that (minus the g/f), and returned home to the highschool crowd. maybe what i feel God has called me to is unrealistic. unreasonable. maybe i was wrong and now i'm wasting my time. i'm just hard pressed to get a life. it's just that whenever i get up to leave, i find out i've already attached my heart to something else. it sucks you in. tells you that you can't leave. not now. i wonder if this is inevitable no matter where i go. and if that's the case, i can't be afraid of it. because i'll fit in somewhere else.

i've felt for the longest time that i was called to youth ministry. now i don't know anymore. young-adult ministry doesn't really appeal to me either. maybe it's just their lack of interest that is discouraging. i just want to make my film this summer and get out of here. i feel this is unfinished. and that's frustrating.

i think i'm just in love with the idea of leaving. i don't really want to leave, i don't have anywhere to go. but i don't feel needed. appreciated. or really wanted. that is an irrational reason to leave, though. i want a different life. i like who i am inside, but nothing else. sorry none of this is really poetic, or encouraging, but i'm totally drained. i should be praying more, and reading more, and listening more. maybe i'll just end this miserable post now. just had to get that out.

In the Next Room

lately i've been discouraged. not a very nice way of starting a new year, but sometimes i want to stare out the back window of a car, and watch the road disappear behind me... listen to a cd and single out the invisible voice of a backup vocalist and recognize the beauty of harmony... try every scenario of a puzzle, avoiding the solution merely to discover every possible way to come to the wrong answer... i want to roll down a hill, but it's winter... i'm eager to say i've lived life, but i have not lived it yet... i want to have children, but but the math requires a piece of chalk and a chalkboard... if only life were that simple. why are God's ways not our ways? why does He require of us what does not come naturally?

why do i care to not smell like a perspiring human? what makes profanity offensive? why must i mourn the death of a loved one?

sometimes my best medicine is my dog. she loves her walks, and getting fed at 6:00. for my dog, life is simple. she would not recognize my deep, inner turmoil, or the complexity of my life, but she recognizes my face when i walk in the door. she knows the smell on my pant leg if i've been around another dog. she instinctively knows when dinner time is. how do i love such an ignorant, selfish animal? morally, my dog is corrupt. she is not considerate, empathetic, hospitable, or virtuous in any way.

i continually come into contact with people who want answers to questions. they want advice. they want to be told what to do. they want someone to understand them.

My dog, Annie

if i told my dog that the bag where her food is kept lies in the next room, gave her a leash and a scoop to take with her on her walks, showed her where her dog shampoo is, and then left for a 2 month vacation, i would come home to a dead dog. my dog has not developed opposable thumbs to open the door to her food, or developed a sense of human tolerance to walk herself without coming into contact with other dogs and violating someone's property rights, or able to determine when she smells too much like a dog and needs a bath. i would then be faced with animal cruelty charges.

often i feel like the answers i give to people's questions are unsatisfying. the advice i give is irrelevant. i fail to empathise with them. i feel like a dog who knows where the food is, but i can't open the door.

i fear a new movement in christianity is on the rise: relevance without godliness. christians trying to relate to everyone's problems, but failing to give God's divinity justice. agreeing that christians have bad taste in music. that we look foolish when we worship. that striving for holiness looks like arrogance. if we see someone confused about direction for their life, we tell them to pray more. if we meet someone with an addiction, we tell them to quit. if we find someone struggling financially, we tell them to tithe.

christians have a habit of saying uncool things. ever have a conversation with someone, and bring up God, and watch them as they get this glazed look over their eyes? i get discouraged. immediately what comes to mind is that they've heard it before. they've tried it and it doesn't work. it's like i can see where they're coming from, build up to a climax where i'm going to offer some deep, philosophical solution, and i bring up God. a beautiful letdown.

i think we need to re-establish what godliness means. godliness means humility. what does it look like? is it something that is desirable? 2 Peter 1:3-8 talks about making one's calling and election sure. adding to your faith. a systematic breakdown on how to become an effective, productive christian. it is some of the best advice i have received. we talk about christianity like it's a breeze through life on a white, puffy cloud, without a care in the world. we tell people about the hole in their heart that is immediately filled with the acceptance of Christ. yet we see 80% of born-again believers fall away from God. we see children raised in christian homes going off to college and leaving church behind. do we keep these statistics in the dark? are we embarrassed by what the records show? somehow Christ's "unfailing love" has failed a lot of people. either that, or they never found it in the first place. i tend to believe the latter.

sadly, people have heard where the kibble lies. they've even heard about the master who opens the door. how do they get His attention?

And Then Some

i have attended at least nine different churches in my lifetime. each one very different. one thing that stands out to me is the variation in worship. i have seen churches experience revival. growth. expansion. church-plants. church-splits. authority conflict. leadership scandals. among other things, one thing is consistent: the hypocrisy.

but i have realized that God loves the hypocritical church. He loves those who betray Him. the ones who are two-faced. the ones who don't practice what they preach.

this is a very difficult conclusion to make: that God is pleased with their offering. their worship. He blesses them. He heals them. He answers their prayers.

how do i know this? because i'm a hypocrite. i've betrayed Him. i've worn masks. i've failed to practice my own doctrine. yet i see the Hand of God over my life. i can count many blessings in my life.

why do we worship? why can we worship? because we've been justified in Christ by our acceptance of His sacrifice. (Galatians 2:16). we will never be more justified than we are right now. therefore, come as you are, lay your burdens down, worship because of what He did, not because of what you want Him to do. we don't prompt God to take action. we respond to God. if we desire earthly (sinful) things, we prompt the devil. because we have already conquered it (sin), we can easily access it. go back to it. likewise, if we experience God, we can easily go back to that experience. because we know what it looks like. make your election sure (2 Peter 1:10). God chose us. it's our responsibility to respond. we've been bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20). therefore, if we desire a blessed life and relationship with God, it's not an option--it's a requirement.

there's nothing like a hypocritical message to teach you not to judge. do not define the character of a christian by the struggles in his life, but by the fruit he bears.

Cross-Cultural Etiquette

change is vulnerable. can i ask you what it is instead of tell you how it is? so many questions yet i don't know what to ask. becoming weak is such a foreign concept. to ask for help. to learn how to give love rather than earn respect.

unconditional. the way you give to charity.

i hold the door for someone and pretend to not hear the "thank-you." yet when someone returns the favour i proceed to speak those words onto deaf ears. as if hearing my own voice acknowledges my effortless gift of brotherly kindness. but i am selfish.

is it a sin to think that a way of life could be perfect? anything dreamed up by man? is there such a thing as heaven on earth? are we to achieve that here? so many places i can see myself. happy. spontaneous. yet i think of heaven as some form of reality. with nothing desirable in sight. because nothing of this world could exist in eternal heaven. what should i accomplish in my earthly body that i cannot do in the afterlife? are there any limits? i cannot begin to imagine something that is so undefined to be so desirable.

the best-selling book of all time has always been the Bible. unmatched by any author in the world; poetically, historically, prophetically, and inspirationally. is it true that no-one will ever have anything to say that is contiguous to its magnitude? the gospels were written by those, and those observing those who were closest to Jesus. that is, God-incarnated.

we are told that the Bible, in essence, is complete. in fact, Revelation 22:18-19 forbids us from adding or removing from this book.

somehow we over-complicate things. cross-cultural etiquette is something that 99% of the world's population will likely never learn. i barely understand North American culture. even this concept of "cool" is here today, gone tomorrow.

but Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever Hebrews 13:7-9.