How's it going to end?

I feel trapped. contained. shook up like a lava lamp. the bubbles will never mesh together again. beaded and separated forever. whatever pops into my head i want to write it down. document. because tomorrow i won't feel the same way. funny how that works. feels like a friday. my wishful thinking. and here i am, slouched over because in the back of my mind i know that it's bad for my back in the end. typing. to who? who will read this? will someone respond to this post? who knows. i could say i don't really care. but maybe i do. what would i want them to say. maybe tell me how i'm feeling right now. because i'm not myself. listen to me ramble.

it seems like the beginning of summer still. so much to do, so little time. so little money. and work. how is work going? it's going good. same old same old. i work for Student Works Painting. we paint houses. want us to paint your house? call chris. his signs are all over i'm sure you'll see them.

i've never blogged before. what do you fill this space with? do people read these? and who knows where you're supposed to end a paragraph. i think my first one was too long. that might have discouraged some people from continuing down this online rabbit hole. except you. you're still here. plugging away. waiting for something interesting to sneak up and bite you in the rear. now you feel insulted. maybe you can spite me by ending your read here. or not. maybe my next paragraph will be more interesting.

or not.

so today i'm thinking about my actions. because actions make up something like 70% of human communication. therefore making actions louder than words. if my math is correct. what do my actions say about me? is it obvious that i am a christian? am i living and breathing a life that Christ would deem worthy of such a title? i can talk the talk. i know i can. i could say all the right words, memorize all the right verses, and talk about my prayer life openly. funny how Jesus instructed to do the very opposite of that. to find a hiding place for prayer. a prayer closet. do i talk to God like He's my best friend? do i talk to Him as much as my best friends. no. but i think about Him. does that count? when my thoughts include Him does that count?

i ended that paragraph before i started preaching.

so i want to know something. how do you influence others to live christlike? do you spruce it up and make it cool? do you just live normally and hope someone sees you doing something holy? perhaps strive for excellence? after all the bible says that none are worthy to enter the kingdom of God. and Jesus gives us grace if we choose to accept it, but what after that? i have begun to detect a pattern. because i know my sinful nature hinders me so frequently. i fall time after time after time. and i fall back on my knees in repentence lower and lower each time. i think i'm digging a hole here. i feel like my words mean nothing when i try to come back to Christ. but then i am reminded that God says come as you are. and He loves us no matter what. and if we ask he will forgive us. each time. seems redundant. but still i climb back up the mountain. the pattern i'm noticing is that the more time i spend with God and the stronger i get, the less susceptible to attacks i become. they have less effect on me. so what's the result? bigger attacks. yes. and i fall. so i am learning to stay ahead of the curve so to speak. there is no limit to how much we can get to know God, so there is always a mountain to climb. there is no final destination. just death. that's the prize. i want to practice this. to test my theory. and i'm not afraid of death. i look forward to it. and no i am not suicidal. just desperate for something more.

man that's a long paragraph. i hope i didn't lose anyone with that megabyte of text.